The Sixth Love Language

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I have a guilty pleasure - it’s Love is Blind by Netflix.

Ok, guilty “pleasure” is a hell of a stretch, but it’s become a tradition with two of my best girlfriends, and that part, is a totally-non-guilty pleasure. So, c’est la vie.

For those unfamiliar with LIB - it’s a reality dating show on Netflix that tries to answer the question - Is Love truly blind? To do this, the show invites 30 dating hopefuls to stay at a penthouse with separate, isolated men’s and women’s apartments, and then, they all (literally) blind date each other for the next ten days. Dates happen in private “pods” with a microphone and speaker that connects to their date’s pod. They can hear each other, but they can’t see each other - unless they agree to get married.

Believe it or not, there’s usually at least five engaged couples at the end of the ten days. (What happens after that is a different story - lol - there’s still three weeks to go until wedding day. #draaaama) But all drama and chaos of reality tv aside, some people really do end up in lasting marriages. Nine out of eleven married couples across the series' six seasons are still married today, including both of season one’s couples.

All that to say, it provides an excellent spotlight on what I’ve dubbed the Sixth love language - or when I’m feeling spicy - the One True Love language.

What is it?

Being Seen.

Ironic, yes?

What are the Love Languages

If you’re unfamiliar with the Love Languages concept, or just want a refresher, expand for a brief overview and history lesson.

My Love Language test results

There are a bunch of free online tests that will tell you what your love language is. My primary Love Language is Quality Time, followed by Physical Touch. Words of Affirmation lands in the middle, then Acts of Service, and Gifts come in last place.

And yet, when I reflect on the times I’ve felt remarkably cared for, some of the brightest spots in my mind are a quote, 150 mysteriously completed name badges, and a pink, carved stone hippo - or, Words of Affirmation, an Act of Service, and a Gift.

The quote was spontaneously sent to me one day by a friend, who read it and thought it put how she saw my spirit into words; the name badges were mysteriously completed by a colleague on a very busy, stress-filled day, who saw them on my desk and just decided to fill them without asking; and the hippo was given to me by a community member who saw it on her travels in Africa and said it had her think of me (I have no particular love for hippos, but I do love this little guy, and he will forever have pride of place on my shelf). None of these are in my primary, or even my secondary, love language. And generally, Words of Affirmation tend to pass right through me as rote politeness; Acts of Service tend to stress me the f*** out; and material objects are just…. hard for me - it takes some special attention for a material Gift to land.

And therein lies the secret.

My love language is being seen.

That quote did speak to my spirit. I felt seen, on a uniquely inspired level.

The name badge fairy saw a need and just took care of it - likely understanding that asking first would, in fact, have stressed me the f*** out. I felt seen, without words.

Something about that little hippo does spark a joy in me that I can’t really articulate, but my community member could. I felt seen, at a time when I was halfway around the world.

The Sixth Love Language

Being Seen

In a world where we are exposed to the infinite masses of humanity online, rarely are we really seen. At least not in a way that feels deeply satisfying. (Ps. I love this new talk on Artificial Intimacy from Esther Perel where she says “How can we have a thousand virtual friends, and then no one to ask to feed our cat.”)

In Love is Blind, no contact with the outside world is allowed during the ten days of blind dating - no cell phones, laptops, or tvs. They have very little to do beyond talking with their visual-stranger dates about all of the things we think we need to know about our partners, and what we want them to know about ourselves before we can get married - their hopes, dreams, fears, and values - for hours and hours on end. They reveal their deepest truths, they hear another's, they accept each other, and this is a treasured rarity. In my opinion, it is purely and simply this that leads 35% of the participants to get engaged in ten days. (with admittedly, maybe a dash of desire to be a reality tv star on top).

So what does it really mean to be seen? And, what happens when we are not seen? How do you actually do that? Why do I think being seen is the only true love language?

Too many questions for one blog post. Check back for parts two and three.

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