What does it mean to Be Seen?
- dawnjchurch
- May 12, 2024
- 5 min read
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Maybe it’s because of my long history in the self help/personal growth world, but IMO, “being seen” tends to be discussed as an ethereal, woo-woo concept that is, on one hand, the ultimate state of relational awesomeness that everyone is chasing, and, on the other, something that can’t be defined - because it’s just a feeling, and you’ll know it when you know it.
To that, I say, "....sure" But, even if it's on pointe, an elusive, ethereal, woo-woo description is ultimately, terribly, impractically unhelpful.
So. To simplify and demystify things, “being seen” is simply when someone "gets you."
But, a person can "get you" on different levels. A person can "get you" in terms of getting your sense of humor. A person can "get you" in terms of getting how you'd do anything to be a better parent to your kids than you had. A person can "get you" in terms of getting your desire to create a business that changes the world.
Or, a person can "get you" in terms of really getting your whole, deepest self - sometimes, in a way that you couldn't even get on your own. The ethereal, woo-woo sense of "being seen" exists most strongly in this last one, and I've dubbed it "The Sixth Love Language." Or when I'm feeling spicy, the true-love language.
And it is, 100%, my love language.
"Being seen" in the elusive, ethereal, love language sense is when the truth of our nature is witnessed, and gotten, by another person.
If you didn't read part 1 of this series, it's worth heading over there first for a 3 - 5min read. Or, expand this for a quick TLDR.
It's really hard.
It's hard to feel gotten on the whole-self level. I'll talk about the big, important, and changeable reasons why it's so hard to feel seen at this level of depth and breadth (and how you contribute to that) another time. But for now - let's just focus on reason #1...
#1....Your whole self is...a lot. You're a lot to take in. A lot of you is likely hidden. And you likely only dish out certain bits in certain contexts to certain people. You are a multi-dimensional person, with many different levels of depth, facades, and contextual expressions, and you are ever changing.
Yes, I say that to be dramatically engaging, and accurate.
You are an Ocean
To demonstrate - think of yourself, or any individual person, like an ocean. An ocean's core composition is always the same - salt water, marine life, coral reefs, dark depths and secret caves. But, on a sunny day, our surface waves may be calm while a rip tide hides beneath. When a storm brews in the sky, our typically calm surface may be rocked by winds beyond our control. As the seasons change, so does the direction of our current. Like an ocean - our core self stays essentially consistent while our expression is altered and shaped by time and encounters with life.
And. As this article is about love, we add in other people. And things get more nuanced.
So, like an ocean - we have frequently visited shallows and rarely explored, secret depths.
Our surface is visible to all who visit our shores. A visitor could simply walk the beach, enjoy the view, and feel satisfied. And honestly, if they spent even just a hour or two there, they would know that part of the shore pretty well.
Alternatively, a person could spend their lifetime sailing and diving the waters of the ocean, and still not visit every part. No one person can ever know the totality of the ocean, but in their willingness to explore, with curiosity and respect, they would gain an understanding of the ocean’s composition, flows, nature, and currents that would grant them a great sense of intimacy and connection.
For the passerby to think they have seen the whole ocean, and know it, by its surface waves and most shallow waters would be to miss the vast majority of the ocean’s true nature; it’s miles of deep waters, its dark depths, its vibrant coral reefs, its currents.
The same is true for us, and those we form relationships with. We can be seen at a surface level; our surface truth is still true; and this can feel validating - at our surface level. We can allow some people only narrow corridors, and others our full breadth. We may allow one person to completely know our career-driven side like no other ever will, without allowing them to ever know the name of our dog. And allow another to see us for our wholeness across social groups, at work and at home, and across time as our life evolves and changes. We can be seen at our deepest intimacies; and this can touch us to our core in such a way that we yearn for, feel emboldened by, are deeply loved in - or in all honesty, could be devastated by.
Each of these relationship levels serves us in some way. But it's that deep-diving, vastness-traversing, committed exploration partner that I think most people are really desiring - and most afraid of. The one who sees your whole-self.
An Addendum.
The Sixth Love Language?
Being Seen & Embraced.
The love language of "being seen," in the ellusive, ethereal sense, is when the truth of our nature is witnessed, gotten, and embraced, by another person.
The fear makes sense. There is a risk to allowing someone to see the rare and vulnerable parts of you. You could find that their lifestyle is incompatible with your natural current, and you could exhaust each other trying to fight it. They could be reckless and damage your coral reef.
You protect your core self for a reason. To feel really, truly loved, in a deeply satisfying, intimate way, you’ve got to welcome someone into your depths - and, they have to meet you there and enjoy the dive. That type of vulnerability is a big risk.
But protection comes at the price of separation. I'll write more about this in part three, but for now, I'll leave you with this.
It’s very, very difficult to feel loved if you aren’t seen.
When your partner sees you, they can speak any love language
If you know me, and read part one, you might have noticed that none of my examples of times I felt loved were things my husband did, and there's a very good reason for that. It felt like cheating.
My husband is one of the few people who sees my whole range of "me." One of the first things he said to me was "I see you." Which, yes, is super corny (Avatar had just came out), but he was right nonetheless.
Because of this, he can speak any of the traditional five love language to me, and it will land, because first he sees me. He knows the words to say to affirm my joy and bolster me when I'm down; what I like help with and what I prefer to do alone; that tickets to musical theater is always a winning gift - in big part, because of the quality time we'll get to spend together; that couch time = cuddle time. But all love language gestures aside, this is one of the key reasons why our relationship works.
He's taken the time to get to know my depths, and I let him. He can tell when a rip tide of an old trigger is hiding under my seemingly calm exterior. He can navigate the waves of my nonsensical furry at some events beyond my control - he knows how to swim along with me and not drown. He has favorite parts - and some less so - but he embraces it all. Beyond all gestures, it is in this that I feel most loved by. In this, I feel seen, embraced, and loved, in some ethereal, impractical, but ultimately-awesome way.
If you want a relationship where you feel loved, and seen, let's talk.
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